It’s not going well. Not well at all. But here I am. I’m trying to stay positive about my test, but it isn’t working out too well. Everything seems to be crumbling around me. I can’t focus. I’m tired. I wish I could go back in time and live last week over again. I would study better, hang out with my friends, and take steps to ensure that my overly emotional self wouldn’t come out like it is right now.
I haven’t written a blog post in nearly a week.
I haven’t written anything “for fun” in about a month.
I haven’t read Return of the King for a few days.
I’ve been missing out on social gatherings recently.
I’ve been feeling spaced-out and a tiny bit down for a week or two.
It’s been another long week.
I’ve come to accept that I’m not going to get a lot done until after the ACT, but it still sucks. I wish I had time to do everything, but I just don’t. I know this test isn’t really that important. I know I life can still be great without a college education. Still, I’m studying for a big test and it’s taking a lot out of me.
I got a Twitter account this week, played Destiny, and wished I was with my friends when I wasn’t. 😦 I took lots of pictures with my new phone. I studied a lot. I read a lot. I finished reading 1 and 2 Corinthians. I’ve done a lot this week. I’ve been productive… but I still don’t feel like I’ve gotten anywhere.
Ugh. I feel like my blog has turned into a dumping grounds for my emotions and contains nothing fun or helpful whatsoever!
I turned seventeen this week. Another reminder that I’m almost an adult, that college is just around the corner, and that I need to learn how to drive. Well, I’ll do it eventually. lol. Anyways, my birthday was pretty great. I had no real plan for what I wanted to do on my birthday, which ended up working out fine. It was relaxed and there was no pressure to be anywhere because I stayed home all day.
I went out for breakfast with my dad. We do this every year, and it’s always so fun. 🙂 I played lots of Destiny in the morning. I usually play for 30 minutes everyday, but I was allowed to play for as long as I wanted on my birthday. Destiny is a fun game. It’s the only first person shooter game that I’ve ever played, and it is literally the best game ever. I’ll probably talk about it again, because I’m sort of obsessed with it.
In the afternoon I let my siblings play Destiny, while I played the piano. I got The Theory of Everything piano book. I love it so much. The soundtrack for that movie is beautiful <3. I played with my new phone as well, and took some pictures. I also played some more video games and watched an episode of Lost before dinner.
In the evening we all watched The Pixar Story; a documentery about how Pixar started and grew into what it is today. I loved it. I love Pixar and I love documenteries so there was no way I couldn’t enjoy The Pixar Story. We also ate cake and dinner (Subway) before playing Clue.
It was the best kind of birthday. I didn’t go anywhere or do anything, but it was relaxing and fun, and I got to spend it with my lovely family. ❤
I’ve been taking a few pictures this week. I don’t really know why. This week is full of studying, school, Destiny, and… taking pictures, I guess. I like photography, but I wouldn’t say it’s something I’m very interested in. Nonetheless, I do snap some photos now and again. Here are a few from the past few days.
Side Note: I haven’t been posting as much and I’d like to make an excuse about that, but I won’t. I’m always busy so that’s not a good excuse. I simply don’t have very many ideas. 😦 But I’m going to try and get better.
Emma and I climbed the hill behind town and looked at the sight below. The buildings were huddled together with strips of snow between them. The dark strips of road were the only things left uncovered. It was dark and quiet, and day would bring nothing more than light. It was always quiet now. Half the population was either dead or had moved away. The other half of the town was hushed, as sad people tend to be.
My eyes strayed to the south side of town where there was still a great deal of snow piled up near the road. The snow plows hadn’t taken it away. Every time I saw that pile I thought…
“Did the plows not take that snow away just to make everyone feel worse?” Emma voiced my thought.
“That’s what I always wonder…” I said, “And I think they did.” Emma took my hand and we walked down the long hill into town. The dark streets were lined with shops and houses. I felt a sense of dramatic irony as I passed those buildings. Their outsides showed how unchanged the town was striving to be, but the insides were unthinkably changed. Many of them were empty or had people missing from them, and there was no changeless exterior that could convince me otherwise.
We paused outside of Mrs. Martin’s antique store. There was a sign in the window that read, ‘Jillian Anne Martin. Your memory will live on.’ “I used to love going there,” Emma said, echoing my thoughts once again.
“Me too. She used to give us those little buttons. We haven’t gone there in a long time…” I said, wishing that I had gone before it was too late.
We continued to walk through town until we came to the small school. The bright red brick reminded me of all the good times I’d had there with my friends. Nevertheless, I wanted to keep going. “Have you seen the list?” Emma asked.
“Of course, but I don’t want to see it now,” I whispered as if I was in a shrine.
Emma pulled me up the steps to the front door of the school. There, a list was posted.
HAVE YOU SEEN THESE CHILDREN?
Kimmy Gordon – 8: Red hair, green eyes. Last seen on Southside Hill, November 15.
Greyson Smith – 5: Black hair, blue eyes: Last seen on Southside Hill, November 15.
Veronica Mills – 11: Black hair, brown eyes: Last seen wearing a pink coat on Southside Hill, November 15.
Toby Denison – 14: Blonde hair, green eyes: Last seen on Southside Hill. November 15.
I tore my eyes away from the list. It went on and on. “This doesn’t tell the whole story,” I said, wiping away a silent tear.
“Kimmy loved a challenge,” Emma started, “And she loved being in charge. Veronica was a sly trickster…”
“And a ridiculous diva sometimes,” I finished, smiling.
“And Greyson…” Emma started, her voice breaking, “The sweetest kid ever, and a master at silly jokes.”
“Toby…” I started, staring intently at his black-and-white photograph. His eyes smiling. His mouth smirking, “He taught me how to skate and I taught him how to make paper airplanes…” I tore myself away and started down the steps, “He was… amazing.”
Emma followed behind me as we continued through town. My cheeks were cold, but my eyes burned and my head ached. I adjusted my scarf to cover more of my face. The silent town was too much for me. Everyone had died and left me all alone. “Here they are,” Emma said. I was walking steadily out of town, but Emma had stopped.
“Not now Emma. Not tonight.”
I turned, my arms crossed over my chest, “I’ve done a lot tonight Emma, but I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. You’ve done a lot tonight. You can do this,” She said, her eyes shining brighter than I’d ever seen them.
I hugged myself and turned to the cemetery. I walked through the gate with Emma and pointed to a small tree in the center, “There they are.” Emma grasped my hand tightly and together we walked over to our parents’ graves.
“In loving memory of Corbin Matthew Fisher and Georgia Lily Fisher. Amazing souls who spread love and kindness wherever they went,” Emma read the stone aloud. I placed a kiss on the wilting flowers I had set there the day before.
“Goodbye,” I whispered.
Somehow we found ourselves at the top of the hill in front of our house. The sky was brightening. It was time for everyone to wake up again. Emma squeezed my hand and turned to me. I ignored her. At some point in that walk up the hill I had remembered something. “Kelly…”
“Emma,” I said, without turning.
“No Emma,” I turned to her and hugged her as tight as I could.
“It’s time for me to go Kelly. Surely… you’ve realized by now…”
“You just came back to me. I’m not letting you go,” I said and found myself sobbing.
Emma pulled away, but still held my hand, “You have found me, but you never have to let go.”
“I know… I always have. But when you leave, the sunshine will leave my life again.”
“There will be sunshine in other places.”
“I know,” I said again, loosening my grip on her hand.
“Then let go of my hand Kelly.”
“You can. You’ve done a lot. You’re so strong.”
My tears slowed, “I love you Emma.”
“I love you too Kelly…” And I let go. Her hand was gone. I turned. She was gone.
I shivered. The morning was cold. It was time to go back inside. It was time to help my Grandma pack up the last of the boxes and leave. It was time to get into Grandma’s van and start a new life in a new place, but I would never forget this place. The place where I first learned to walk, first learned to love, and first learned to cope.
I slipped through the door and felt the silent emptiness surround me, but something was different now. I was full.
When I’m in the middle of a stressful time there are a few things I do to keep myself sane. I read my Bible, listen to good music, and spend time with people who aren’t stressed. I haven’t always done these things when I feel stressed. Sometimes I forget to read my Bible and stay close to God. It’s easy to do when I feel like I don’t have any time.
This time, in the middle of studying for the ACT and researching colleges, I have managed to stay close to God. It has really brought my stress levels down. Knowing and earnestly believing that my worth isn’t found in a test score or where I go to school, has made this whole process of studying actually enjoyable.
I have also been listening to good music. I’m a bit obsessed with music. I’m always discovering new artists and diving deeper into artists I’ve loved forever. A while back I found a band called Rivers and Robots. I found them on SoundCloud where I heard their song Who is Like Our God. I found the rest of their music and I have been listening happily ever since.
Who is Like Our God is still one of my favorite songs of theirs. It’s a beautiful song and I implore you to listen to it.
Who was in the beginning before time began?
Who holds all of creation in the palm of His hand?
My Father, He is the one who sustains all things.
He is the source, the Creator of everything.
~ Rivers and Robots
I haven’t worked on my novel since the beginning of December and every time I think about it now, I wonder. I wonder whether I’ll finish it or not. I wonder if it’s good enough to make an effort. I wonder if I should switch it from historical fiction to modern day. I wonder if the story even matters. I wonder when I’ll “have time” to work on it.
In the midst of my bemoaning I have been ridiculously busy. It’s no wonder that I really haven’t had time for my book. The problem is that as I get ready to take the ACT and start thinking about my future, I’m thinking about my writing. I can’t become a good writer just by going to school to become one, or making a business plan to make my dream of writing possible. I become a good writer by writing, and I haven’t been doing that lately.
So, my sad little novel sits on my computer. I haven’t even read through the entire first draft. There are so many dead ends, unnamed characters, and plot holes. It’s ridiculous in places, and stupid in others. It really needs work.
Still, I do have a plan. I’m going to work on it in March and April (perhaps May as well), and try to write a complete second draft in those two (or three) months. I’ll need to focus and spend a lot of time on it, but I think my book is worth it. I do love my story after all, even though I’m less than excited about it at the moment.
Here’s to crummy first drafts and being to super busy,
I woke up today and I knew it would be a long one. It’s hard for me to be around people all day and then go to the youth program in the evening at my church to help out. I was a very grumpy, tired person by the end. Also, my throat hurts when I talk a lot… yeah (#introvertproblems).
It was a long day, just as I predicted. I got tired out quickly and my head started to ache. I went to co-op, talked to lots of people, had a bunch of fun, and went home. At home I played Destiny on my Xbox, did some homework, and then went to church. I like being around the kids and having fun with them, but by the end of the night I was ready to go home.
It’s good for me to get out of the house, but I don’t like to be out all day long. I’m just not used to it. It’s hard for me to be around a lot of people. I want to get to know some of them better. I want to understand their story and see what their unique perspective on life is. I know I can’t know them all at once, but I can’t stop my instinct to try to get understand people on a deeper level than just simply small talk. And it drains the energy out of me so fast.
I don’t know what this blog post was. It just was.
Music: The Death of a Bachelor by Panic! at the Disco
On February 11th, a mere 35 days away, I’m going to take the ACT. I ‘m going to take the test that will be sent to colleges that I might attend someday. It’s one step in a journey towards applying to college, which is a step towards BEING in college, which is a step towards graduating from college, which is a step towards… the rest of my life.
So yeah, it’s not a big deal.
I know that it’s just a test and that college doesn’t mean everything. I know that I don’t need college to live a great life, or even to have a successful career. Still, it’s a big step for me. It has a certain scent to it… it smells like… growing up. Growing up. I hate that phrase today. I wish I was either a little kid or already grown up. Growing up sounds… never-ending and not much fun.
The thing is…
I like growing up. I like experiencing new things and being able to see things from a younger person’s perspective because I’ve been there. I like looking back on old memories and seeing how far I’ve come. I like the journey of childhood. I’m glad that mine has been (and is) one of love and learning. There’s never been a question too stupid to ask. There’s never been a wrong that hasn’t been righted in some way.
But I still hate growing up.
I just don’t like right now. Right now I have a lot (a few in reality) of decisions to make. Should I stay here (my hometown) for college or move away? Should I get my driver’s licence? Should I get a job? What job should I get? How do I prioritize all the things in my life? How do I keep up with everything going on and still maintain good relationships with my family, friends, and God?
I’m always thinking of new things to worry about and other things to add to my busy head, but it’s already so full that I can’t possibly add anything else. And I think it’s time to stop trying. I just need to sit tight, study hard, and worry about everything else (or most of “everything else”) after the test. 🙂
Even though I just said all that…
I really love where I am in my life. I love the ups and downs. I love the people and the learning. I love the journey. ❤
(Snowy Woods pt. 2)
Logic, my best friend for so many years, seemed to have deserted me. I hadn’t seen it since October, but now reason seemed to be missing as well. I found the small path that led to the edge of the woods and began to run along it. My boots left soft marks in the snow, nearly invisible in the dark woods. I knew the way and how to run through snow without falling. Living in the snowy, mountainous region taught me how. It taught me how to sled down a tree-crowded hill, how to test ice to see if it was safe to skate, and it taught me to recognize the signs of an avalanche. It had taught the whole town, and now none of it mattered. I found that I was standing still at the edge of the forest. A dark lake lay before me, nearly silent under its layer of thick ice.
I scuttled down the icy path to the lakeside. Frozen waves rushed up to meet the snowy beach. The beach was covered in criss-crossing skate marks and a thin layer of snow covered it all. I crouched down and took off my gloves, laying my hands on the ice. It was cold and I jerked my hand back quickly. The pain was evidence. I was still here.
“Kelly. What are you doing out here?” I knew that voice. I turned around. My sister, Emma, stood on the bank above me. She had on a coat, mittens, boots, and a hat. Her pale face and hair were illuminated in the darkness. The moon shone on her, making her look a little transparent.
“I’m… taking a walk. What are you doing?” I stared at her for a second trying to remember something that seemed faint and faraway, but her smile cleared the remembering away.
“I’m following you, of course,” She said, “What are you really doing out here?”
“Yes, and how it was before the… disaster,” I said, falling over my words.
“Why does everyone call it that?” Emma asked.
“They don’t know what else to call it,” I answered, walking over to her and taking her arm in mine. We started off down the beach. The sky grew ever lighter. The stars began to fade. Another day was beginning. The last day I would ever see my home.
“Let’s enjoy this for as long as we can,” Emma said.
“This… this town. This beach. This time we get to spend together, just us, thinking about it all. Kelly, if we don’t talk about it now you know we won’t talk about it for a long time,” Emma said.
“I don’t want to talk about the… dis… avalanche. It’s too soon. I don’t even want to think about it,” I said.
Emma stopped walking and turned to me, grasping both of my hands, “It will always be too soon.”
I nodded, letting my first tears fall since that terrible day. Emma cried too. Her tears shining in the moonlight. “Mom and Dad… they’re gone forever. We’re all alone.” I stammered.
“Kelly…” Emma wiped away her own tears and looked into my face. Sadness gushed from her eyes though the tears were gone, but she said cheerily, “Let’s go then. We haven’t walked through town in a long time.”