My Brain is Full

macomputer

On February 11th, a mere 35 days away, I’m going to take the ACT. I ‘m going to take the test that will be sent to colleges that I might attend someday. It’s one step in a journey towards applying to college, which is a step towards BEING in college, which is a step towards graduating from college, which is a step towards… the rest of my life.

So yeah, it’s not a big deal.

I know that it’s just a test and that college doesn’t mean everything. I know that I don’t need college to live a great life, or even to have a successful career. Still, it’s a big step for me. It has a certain scent to it… it smells like… growing up. Growing up. I hate that phrase today. I wish I was either a little kid or already grown up. Growing up sounds… never-ending and not much fun.

The thing is…

like growing up. I like experiencing new things and being able to see things from a younger person’s perspective because I’ve been there. I like looking back on old memories and seeing how far I’ve come. I like the journey of childhood. I’m glad that mine has been (and is) one of love and learning. There’s never been a question too stupid to ask. There’s never been a wrong that hasn’t been righted in some way.

But I still hate growing up.

I just don’t like right now. Right now I have a lot (a few in reality) of decisions to make. Should I stay here (my hometown) for college or move away? Should I get my driver’s licence? Should I get a job? What job should I get? How do I prioritize all the things in my life? How do I keep up with everything going on and still maintain good relationships with my family, friends, and God?

I’m always thinking of new things to worry about and other things to add to my busy head, but it’s already so full that I can’t possibly add anything else. And I think it’s time to stop trying. I just need to sit tight, study hard, and worry about everything else (or most of “everything else”) after the test. 🙂

Even though I just said all that…

I really love where I am in my life. I love the ups and downs. I love the people and the learning. I love the journey. ❤

Dreams and Reality

The sun was rising in the clean, blue sky over the colorful hills behind my neighborhood. A very busy day was about to begin, but I wanted to take a moment to breathe. It was 65 degrees (Fahrenheit) outside, the sun was shining, and the colors of fall were about to fade. I took care to notice each different color on the leaves of the neighborhood trees, but I found the colorful hills in the distance far more alluring.

I wanted to go there. I wanted to throw off the tethers of what I was supposed to do and go on an adventure. Thinking about running across the bare cornfield and finding myself at the base of those hills made me tingle with longing. The only thing standing in my way was reality. Thinking about getting into the van and going to co-op for another day where I wouldn’t get much school done made me want to stay home, but I went because I had to.

My dreams are big and bold and beautiful to me. I love to imagine all their most intricate details and make up an alternate reality in my head. It’s easy to get lost in there.

Reality is clear-cut, but oddly uncertain, and a lot of work. It’s a lot of hard work, but  the rewards of working hard make up for it.

I wouldn’t want to live forever in my dreamland where nothing ever gets accomplished, but I don’t want to get so bogged down by reality that I have no dreams. I always want to have dreams, even when I’m old. It’s all a matter of weaving dreams into reality and trying to make them possible. I try to remember this when I’m thinking about my own dream of becoming a freelancing, tiny-houser on a farm. 🙂 It’s a big dream, but I’m always striving to make it possible.

Failing and Trying Again

There’s a rabbit in my backyard. He’s sitting at the top of the hill by the little lilac bush at the edge of the shadow made by the house. He’s bounded away now, across the yellowy grass and into the evergreen tree. I guess it it a nice morning. The sun is shining frequently between the bits of cloud in the blue sky. There’s a big pot of tea on the table in front of me and I’m listening to organ music.

Yeah, I guess it is a nice day.

I haven’t been writing lately, and I could blame that on a lot of things, but the truth is that I’ve been lazy. I haven’t felt like writing for a while now and the result is a lack of posts, even lazy ones. 🙂

Life has been busy. I started co-op last week, karate and youth group the week before. And on top of it all I have a mountain of schoolwork to do. Literally. However, I’m not going to consider that an excuse anymore, because the whole reason I started this blog was to write every day, and I haven’t been doing that.

I hate that I fail, try again, and fail again. It’s a useless cycle that doesn’t teach me anything except how much I fail. What else is there to do but try again? I don’t want to quit and never get anywhere, because maybe one day I won’t fail.

Smiley and :(

Day Two: Write Something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot.

I actually have two:

1. People who have told me how much I smile

Lots of people tell me this and I assume it’s a good thing. 😉 I love smiling and making other people smile.

2. Thoughtlessly said mean comments 

I don’t want to name anything specific that people have said to me, mostly because I don’t like to dwell on them. They’re just little, subtle things, but the more I dwell on them and think about what the person was trying to say the more they hurt. I’ll never forget them because they’ve made me who I am today. My bad experiences have made me a better person and while I’d like to take them back,  I would never take back the lessons I’ve learned because of them.

P.S – So, I didn’t quite stick to my internet ban. My phone’s speakers weren’t working and I quickly looked up a way to fix them. Ugh! I know it’s not much, but I felt like I needed to say it. 

A Month-Long Break from the Internet

Another break? Yes, another break indeed. This time from something that takes up a great deal of my time. I guess that’s one reason I’m going to take a break from the internet, but not the only reason. Before I go any further, I want to list out my rules.

  1. I AM going to use the internet for school
  2. I AM going to use the internet to write my blog posts and keep up with Kelli’s blog
  3. I AM NOT going to use the internet to watch any YouTube… at all
  4. I AM NOT going to use the internet to read articles about MBTI (Myer-Briggs Type Indicator), or anything else that I do for fun

The main reason I want to take a break from the internet is because I feel more and more that I don’t form my own opinions about things. I always say that I think for myself, but sometimes I’m too lazy too. Life moves quickly and sometimes it’s easier not to think. I know that there’s nothing wrong with hearing other people’s opinions about things; that can be quite a good thing. The problem is that I begin to take everything they believe and apply it to myself. It doesn’t even matter who the person is. I begin to think more and more like them.

This is where a feeling of fakeness creeps in. Sometimes I feel like I’m not real with anybody. I put on a front of being bubbly, prideful, and (to me) obnoxious. I have to focus hard on being real with others, or else I’ll stay in the background as the girl who talks a lot but never says anything.

This month (September, actually) I want to focus on being more real and vulnerable around my friends and family. I want them to see me for who I really am, on the inside underneath my shell. 🙂

So, for a month (beginning on September 1st) I am going to quit the internet. Ugh. It’s not going to be easy.

Buona notte miei amici (Good night my friends),

Claire

 

Getting My Act (and blog) Together

My blogging schedule has been close to nonexistent over the past few weeks. Sure, I could blame it on the busyness of summer, school planning, and setting up our garage sale, but the truth is that none of these things have been stopping me from blogging.

What Has?

  1. A lack of inspiration
  2. A lack of caring
  3. A lack of peace and happiness

For months (four months to be exact) I have been writing on my blog. For months I was writing about happy things. This is because I have a happy life. I wake up in the morning, drink my tea, read my book, get some work (this can mean anything really) done, and have a good ole’ time in the evening (usually watching some sort of sport on TV with my family). That’s what my summer has looked like. I have a great life and I know it.

Why Can’t I write?

I’ve been feeling empty. Emptiness in my life comes when the future lacks any mystery and the only possibilities look like bad ones. Emptiness comes when I feel I have no purpose. Emptiness comes when I yearn for deeper connections with people. I don’t want simple small talk. I want deep conversations about a person’s passions, feelings, and beliefs. For the past few weeks I’ve been feeling like this. Empty. I’ve had great days and bad days, but they’ve all been empty days.

Today I finally feel fulfilled. Why? Because I’ve realized that I do have a purpose and passion in my life. I’ve realized that even when I feel empty God is with me. My passion? Writing and the written word. I love reading, editing, and writing. I’m such a English nerd and I don’t even care, because it’s my passion. 🙂 My purpose? Serving God with my passion. Sometimes I forget, but I always remember: every life has purpose and value, including mine.

Sleepin’

There are many reasons why I love Air For Free, one of the main reasons is because of the song Sleepin’. It’s one of the cutest, prettiest, most soothing songs I have ever had the pleasure of listening to.

Maybe I’ll just fall, ever more in love with you – Sleepin’

There are times when lying down in bed is just… hard. It’s hard to lie down for the day and let my mind drift. Before I fall asleep I think about everything: how I feel, how others feel, my worries, my dreams, my happiness’s, my sorrows, and my life. It’s fine to think of these things when my life is going along fine. At those times all I can think of are the good things, the easy things, about my life. I can only see the good, because it seems like there is only good in my world.

But tonight…

Tonight is not one of those blissful evenings. It’s nearly 10 o’clock and I don’t want to go to bed. I don’t want to lie down and think about my day. Maybe, instead, I’ll think of yesterday. Yesterday was a good day. 🙂 But, eventually, today catches up and I realize that life is a lot harder than I ever realized. Life is full of hardships and hard days. Life is full of days that wear me down and break me apart.

This spring is gonna be the best one since 1981, or so they’ve all been saying – Sleepin’

So, here I sit, not wanting to go to bed, and listening to a happy song. Maybe it will change my own mood and lift me up. I hate to be like this. Negative. It’s a word that I really hate, even though I’m very much negative sometimes. It’s hard to not be negative when you feel stressed, worried, and a bit rushed.

But hey, that ukulele in Sleepin’ is blissful.

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🙂