There are some things in my life that I don’t think anyone else understands, or that I can’t explain in a way that people can understand. For instance, two years ago I got anxiety attacks randomly. They weren’t bad ones, but bad enough for me to feel sad, scared, and weirdly pessimistic for at least ten minutes. I didn’t know what they were for the longest time and so I would describe them to people as, “A shadow (or cloud) over my heart,” because that’s what they honestly felt like. It could be the middle of a beautiful day, but when the “shadow” came I couldn’t enjoy it anymore. Of course, everyone kind of laughed at me whenever I tried to describe it, because they (and I) didn’t really know what it was.
This is just one of the many examples of things that I can’t explain well enough for other people to understand. My explaining skills have not gotten better since then, mostly because I don’t think in terms that some people can understand. What I mean is that not everyone thinks like I do. I think in terms of analogies, similes, and metaphors (like I literally come up with metaphors for random things all the time). I almost never take those analogies and concepts and convert them into something real and tangible. I should really start doing that someday, but today is not that day.
Lately, I’ve been thinking about my moods, or perception shifts. I’m not even sure what they are yet in terms of real, tangible language. I can hardly think of them as I usually do, as a concept. What I mean by moods is not “happy,” “sad,” “angry,” or “bitter,” it’s something more than that. It’s something like an alternate reality. I’m still living in the same world, but I see it differently. I experience it differently.
Mostly these “alternate realities” come in the form of whatever I’m really into at the moment whether that be a band, book, or whatever. The strangest part is that these things always come with their own set of colors and feelings. For instance, whenever I listen to a Twenty One Pilots song I’m transported back to October 2015, the county fair, and the colors red and black are everywhere in my mind. If I continued to listen to Twenty One Pilots I would probably reminisce about the fair and then all of a sudden I would be thinking about the fair and 4-H (which I participated in for the past five years, but not this year) in my subconscious all the time. This is what the process would look like for that particular “mood” but some of them are different. Sometimes the process is much more subconscious and involve a change in the way I look at things.
The mood I was in last week was one of all-out nostalgia. I’m nostalgic for springs gone by every year, but this year I was also listening to a lot of Switchfoot. This made the nostalgia factor double. My nostalgic mood is one where I look at the world, mostly my neighborhood and church, and remember the way it all used to be. I imagine (in my subconscious) that it’s about six or seven years ago and I’m a little kid again playing all those games I used to. All of a sudden it was six or seven years ago. I was living in 2009-2010. Everything was innocent and childlike again. I began to see the world from that perspective.
Then Owl City entered the picture and my mood changed. This mood is probably the strangest one I’ve ever been in. I have these moods where I feel nostalgic for a time that I never lived through or things I’ve never experienced. The last few days it’s like I grew up listening to Owl City because that’s how I’m seeing the world. Somehow my perception shifted and it’s like I’m the same person with the same family, but I’ve grown up differently. All of a sudden I want to compose music and reevaluate what’s really important to me. I don’t even know if that makes any sense but that’s how I feel.
I don’t know if any of this makes any sense to you at all, but to me this is all completely normal. I’ve always had these strange perception shifts. It’s unsettling, but feels slightly adventurous like I’m seeing the world through a different person’s eyes, or the eyes of younger me. Seeing the world differently is a great opportunity for me as a story-teller, because it allows me to explore emotions and perception in a new way.
Do you understand what I’m trying to say? Whether you do or not I’d like to hear your thoughts about this post, so please comment!
Random things of the day:
Good Song: If My Heart Was a House
Cute kitchen + cute wood-burning stove = Claire’s tiny home:
Funnies: Everybody Hates Batman