Am I Still a Writer?

I try to create a perfect atmosphere for myself when I write. I make a cup of tea or coffee. I turn on nice lighting. I wrap myself in a blanket. I listen to a soundscape, song playlist, etc. I always think the atmosphere matters a great deal when I write, because without it I can’t put myself in the world of my writing.

For a few years I’ve been in a writing slump. As much as I hate to admit that, it’s true. I’ve lost the fervor, the imagination, the bright-eyed wonder that I had a few years ago. When I started this blog I was full of excitement and hope about my future writing career, but now I feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m desperately trying to regain that magic, trying to find what I used to find in writing. I haven’t written anything really good in years.

As I mentioned, I feel like I need to create an atmosphere for myself when I write. I really think this is because I don’t have that spark that I used to have. Now that I have to search for it I put a lot more effort into the activities that surround writing, rather than the act itself. It’s a shame.

Over the past few years I’ve grown up a lot; I’ve gotten a job, started college, and started dating. I live a different sort of inner life than I used to. I don’t read as much. I don’t get that thrill of creativity like I used to. To be honest, I don’t think that it’ll ever come back, because I’m not the same person I was nearly four years ago. Writing takes more work now and I don’t have wild flights of imagination like I used to.

And that’s okay. Right? Life is all about change and growth and moving forward. I was never going to remain a starry-eyed teenager forever. Writing takes more work, but I don’t love it any less. It is still what I am most passionate about. It is still what I want to do for the rest of my life. It is still what makes my heart sour and gives me that wonderful ache that makes me feel most alive.

Shadows.

This is what the light coming through my window in the late afternoon looks like. Across from the desk under my loft bed the room fills with a soft glow and creates this image on my sister’s dresser.

The contrast between the shadow and the white door is what I love about shadows. They are defined and mysterious at the same time. They look like exist but really they don’t.

I won’t make shadows into a metaphor for something, or say how shadows are like this or that.

I just think shadows are nice.

I miss it here

Over and over again I start blog posts and never finish them. Today I was looking back at my older posts and realized that I miss that. I miss coming here, not with anything big, but just with anything that I have to say.

I used to write about everything: my hopes and dreams, music, reading, writing, and just life. I want to get back to that because in this busy time of college and life changes, I need a place to come to like this. Even if no one is listening.

So today I am writing this, something small, because I miss it here.

Also, here is a good song:

I used to listen to this song over and over and over again lol

The House of Mirth

The House of Mirth by Edith Wharton

“Once, when we were children, and I had rushed up after a long separation, and thrown my arms about her, she said: ‘Please don’t kiss me unless I ask you to, Gerty’ — and she did ask me, a minute later; but since then I’ve always waited to be asked.”

There’s a part of me that wonders why I keep reading books written by Edith Wharton. Her books are not cheerful or happy or romanticized. Very often they illustrate how bad decisions can lead to a life spiraling out of control.

Even though happy stories can be great, I’m drawn to Edith Wharton’s books because of what they reveal about humans. She can make the most flawed character sympathetic by showing their heart and humanity to the reader.

Sense and Sensibility. . . and Old Books

“And after all, Marianne, after all that is bewitching in the idea of a single and constant attachment, and all that can be said of one’s happiness depending entirely on any particular person, it is not meant — it is not fit — it is not possible that it should be so. —”

I find this book to be a delight every time I read it. Jane Austen is one of my favorite authors, and I can always find comfort and a friend in one of her characters. “Sense and Sensibility” is a story I have known for almost as long as I can remember because I watched a film adaptation long before I read it for the first time. Even so, I somehow felt surprised at the twists and turns this time through.

Although I do love modern books my heart has always loved old books best. The more of them I read the more ardently I love them. I love to read the books that people call ‘classics’ and the forgotten ones that can still be delightful.

If you haven’t read an old book in a while I recommend you pick one up and try it. It’s really very fun to delve into the world of the past even though the writing style does take time to get used to. Some of my favorite older books include: “Emma” by Jane Austen and “The Age of Innocence” by Edith Wharton. 

Here are some more good quotes from “Sense and Sensibility”: 

“. . .Money can only give happiness where there is nothing else to give it. Beyond a competence, it can afford no real satisfaction, as far as mere self is concerned.”

“Sometimes one is guided by what they say of themselves, and very frequently by what other people say of them, without giving oneself time to deliberate and judge.”

Exploring

They traipsed through the fields recklessly that spring. All their lives the field had existed and they had seen it in every season and situation; covered in, full of corn, full of soy, full of weeds. Always with the trees rimming it in. But it had seemed so far away to children who were only allowed to go as far as the tree in their front yard. 

Eventually, when they could go to “the pond”, they had grown closer to the field, but had still looked upon it as far away and off limits. Cut off from them by a line of trees. 

In the strange spring of 2020 they finally crossed over and into the field and set off on an adventure. A few adventures. 

She appreciated the flowers there and stopped to look at each new one that she saw. She liked the purple ones that, when you looked across the entirety of the field, turned the whole space purple, like a thin gauze of some sort. Then there were the tall, thin white ones that sprung up every so often. She appreciated the spiky plants at the southern end of the field but didn’t go near them. She looked at the dead remains of last year’s growth. She loved seeing it all and coming to know it all.

They journeyed to the eastern end of the field where there was a patch of trees that they called a forest. It was just across a little stream, which they crossed cautiously and with boots on. In the forest there existed a peace. There was a lane lined in pine trees, very straight rows of pine trees. The lane was brown and soft with fallen needles and everything, everywhere was green in the soft light under the trees. 

They were explorers for a few weeks. All four of them again like “old times”, but also not at all like that. And it was fun to pretend and be a child again. 

The Penderwicks at Last: a Review…sort of

The Penderwicks at Last

“And away they went. the three together, prancing, leaping, gamboling into the future.” – The Penderwicks at Last, by Jeanne Birdsall

I’ve always loved Jeanne Birdsall. She’s the reason I wanted to become an author. She created characters who feel like my friends. She built a world out of words that seems almost as real to me as reality.

The Penderwicks, a series she wrote about a family of girls and their childhood adventures, was my childhood. I remember reading The Penderwicks at Point Mouette, the third book, in one sitting, and then rereading the whole series again after I finished it. I read those books so much that the covers wore thin and my family made me new ones.

The Penderwicks book series

Those books are precious to me and yet I didn’t read this, the final book, until ten months after it released. I spent a long time thinking that maybe I was gonna hate this book, because I knew it wasn’t going to be the ending I wanted. It wouldn’t be perfect. It wouldn’t be the ending I had waited eleven years for.

I finally got around to reading it after buying it at Barnes & Noble on my brother’s birthday. It sat around on my shelf for about a month before I actually opened it. When I did, I fell in love with the Penderiwicks’ world all over again. They are all pure magic. And this one was no different. It was full of warmth, adventure, love, and laughter. The story was just what it should have been. The ending, though it wasn’t what I had wanted for so long, was perfect. It was what it needed to be.

I suppose this is less a review for The Penderwicks at Last and more of an observation of where I am right now. I’m starting college this fall, I have a job, and I can drive. I’m an adult, I guess, but I still feel like a kid.

This last book came at the perfect time for me because for me it represents transition. A transition from childhood into adulthood. Life won’t always turn out the way I once thought it would, but that’s okay. It’s actually perfect, because God is in control, looking farther down the road then I will ever see. He knows where I am, and where I need to be.

Week Two: January 13, 2019

It started snowing early Saturday morning and now the world is covered in a blanket of white as far as the eye can see. Even today little flurries will whirl around from time to time. Church was cancelled for today so my family looked up a sermon by Tony Evans and gathered around the TV to listen to it. It was nice to be all together like that.

Goals for this week:

1. I want to do yoga every day
2. I want to read the Bible every day and pray
3. I want to take a walk at least once
4. Every time I work I want to pick out an outfit for the next day the night before

I did alright with my goals last week, but I really want to do yoga more than once this week, and I think taking a walk or two would be good for me too. I find walks relaxing and they fill my lungs with fresh air.

Week One: January 6, 2019

I’m feeling refreshed today and filled. It’s a Sunday and I often feel that way on Sundays because I’m surrounded by good teaching and good people to fellowship with. There is a lot of time to meditate when in Church or just on Sundays in general. I have nothing scheduled most weeks, just family time.

Goals for this week:

1. I want to focus on meditation.

What I mean by that is that I want to read my Bible with intention every morning, spend time thinking about God and praying.

2. I want to wake up earlier and make time to breathe and come up with intentions for my day.

3. I want to practice yoga everyday.

The Endless Sky

I’ve been going on walks every morning for the past few weeks. I take the same route through the neighborhood each time. I have thought about going down different roads and exploring a bit, but then it wouldn’t be quite so enjoyable. It is interesting and beautiful to see life in its regular rounds. I love seeing little bunnies with fluffy tails hop across my path. I say ‘hello’ every morning to the orange cat that sits on its front porch waiting to be let in.

My favorite part is the sky. It is different every morning. I love to see the clouds shift and change as the light hits them. I watch as the sky moves from the purple-blue of early morning to the blue-blue of day. There is something about the sky that makes it look endless. It is all at once a blanket covering the world and a never ending sea that is always new every day.

I have been so much happier lately and that is partially due to my walks. I get up earlier, around 6:00 or 6:30, let the dogs out, grab a drink of water, and head out. I usually feel a little sleepy. Sometimes I will listen to a podcast or maybe some music, but I like to unplug and disconnect on my walks. I want to be present and experience moments as they happen.

I think that is something I’ve learned over the past year. I need to focus on real life and not daydream or look at my phone as much as I do now. Life is flying past me and I don’t want to waste any of the time I have on this earth.